me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
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“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice