*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
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I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.