She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
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every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn