[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
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*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?