If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
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If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
My dryer is celebrating lint.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Running from your problems is cardio .
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.