women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
You Might Also Like
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
それは草
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!