“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
You Might Also Like
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
is this how new cars are made??
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?