People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
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Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in