Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
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I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
happy mother’s day❤️
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
[montage of me giving-up]
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?