The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
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My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.