I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
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Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts