Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
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Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
HOW DARE YOU
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time