I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
You Might Also Like
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Fight
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
britain’s three elite institutions
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”