A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
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i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
This is my brand.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys