I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
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Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.