Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
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*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.