Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
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My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
what’s more important?
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.