By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
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“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.