Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
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This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Dyslexics are teople poo!
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
Autocarrot sucks!
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her