@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
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Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
One venti cheeseburger please.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
How it started How it’s going
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing