GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
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Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
time machine? you mean a clock?
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Yeah. This was me today.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me: