ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
You Might Also Like
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Interior design 👌
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”