stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
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big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Kids: Stay in school.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
live long and prosper!
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
😂😂
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Weirdly Wednesday.