SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
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A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.