Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
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[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
there’s probably a fee though
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.