Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
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Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
BaD BoY!!
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Thanks to a fan for this one.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
This January has 47 Mondays
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.