“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
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customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Battery falling down a hole
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
Peace was never an option
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*