This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
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[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”