Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
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All. The. Damn. Time.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
Oh the world we live in…
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES