*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
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I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
I wish I could veto my bills.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”