Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
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I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.