If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
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guys i’ve cracked the code
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.