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Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
watergate? u mean a dam??
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.