No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
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Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.