Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
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Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
I’m sorry…what?
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
hi why am I like this
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.