I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
You Might Also Like
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
WWE is French for “yes”
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.