“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
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Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.