My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
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My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Is this you?
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.