My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
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Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.