We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
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Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
🍛
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Y’all know who you are.