*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
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Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
How animals would run if they were human
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.