Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
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Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass