Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
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When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.