Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
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“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
March 16
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.