Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
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My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.