My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
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My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Holy shit he’s back
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
My blood type is b hungry.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.