Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
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the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Sign of the day..