Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
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If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
this country is so goddamn polarized
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes