It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
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As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.