[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
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10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”